My Physics teacher gave us the assignment, one weekend, of writing about how the law of Conservation of Energy relates to methods of paranormal investigation. This was basically a “let’s give the people who are failing a chance to pass” assignment. As you can imagine, I did not take this assignment seriously.

In the beginning, there was nothing.

Then lots of stuff happened, and there were people. And with people came death, and with death came feelings of insecurity and fear. So these people invented ghosts and spirits, as a way of calming themselves and providing a sense of safety and knowledge of the great beyond.

Then science was invented. The people were very angry. They screamed and yelled and cried. They marched with torches. They occasionally took showers, but very occasionally.

Then, one day, a man realized that he could make science work for him; he could pretend that it proved everything he stood for– after all, science was made for manipulation. So he did this, and claimed that it was indisputable, because it was science, and science is indisputable. Years later, he was hit by a meteorite which was then struck by lightning from a storm which caused flash flooding, which was exacerbated by the tsunami that was caused by an earthquake.

That man’s name… is not important. Nor is what he stood for, because nowadays you can hear it for yourself on any street corner or subway car. But what is important is that he emulsified logic and faith, the proverbial oil and water of society. He took the salad dressing of life, where the science lay thick at the bottom and the religion floated transparently above, and he shook that bottle vigorously until the two liquids were thoroughly mixed and all that lay at the bottom was a few peppercorns and maybe some mustard seeds.

Nowadays, people continue to support their illogical beliefs with forms of “logical” proof. Aside from the most obvious instance of this, which we shall not go into because it would quickly transform this into a novel of several volumes, one of the most glaringly ludicrous uses of science is in the detection of paranormal activity.

People who believe in ghosts are aware of how stupid it seems. That is why they attempt to support their beliefs with photographs. This is their downfall. By trying to use logic to back up a belief that is free from a logical basis of any kind, they are admitting that having a logical explanation is important. Of course, these are people who strongly believe in paranormal activity, so clearly they can’t be too bright.

Spirits are usually depicted in photographs as glowing orbs or streaks of light. While some might call these aberrations “dust on the negatives” or “faulty processing” or “your finger, you imbecile”, people who believe choose to interpret them as evidence of ghostly presences.

The conservation of energy states that energy can be neither created nor destroyed. People contain potential energy that is yearning to be converted into kinetic energy. This desire is most visible in small children who have had a lot of sugar. But when people die, what happens to all of that unharnessed potential energy that was never expelled? I say drop them off a cliff and find out. Others say that this energy escapes into the air in the form of a spirit. I say drop these people off a cliff, too.

Because the energy is lost as heat, many ghost-hunters swear by infrared film as a way of showing ghosts in photographs (many also swear by Adobe PhotoShop). They claim that the heat-sensing film is better at detecting this “spiritual heat” in the atmosphere. They claim that they are complete wackos for walking around with cameras and infrared film just so they can take photos of places where ghosts might be. They do not claim this part audibly but if you read between the lines it is clear.

Let us take a look at a prime example of what some may call “substantiated proof” of paranormal activity.

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Note the glowing silhouette of a woman. It appeared, according to the photographer, after developing a photo of a seemingly empty bar.

Now, let us look at a comparable photograph, which I created within a matter of 5 minutes with a popular photo-editing program.

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Can you tell the difference? Neither can I. In fact, my photo is, if anything, more convincing. Observe the expression of anger and malice on the spirit’s face. The half-imbibed glass of wine sits on the table in front of him. His left arm reaches out for the cameraman. This photograph truly strikes fear in my heart.

And so, people will continue to see what they want to see and corrupt science by using it to explain illogical beliefs. The age of faith ended long ago, and its still-faithful followers are searching frantically for a way to modernize their system short of committing mass suicide. They will definitely be the first ones up against the wall when the Revolution comes.

Ghosts. Spirits. Apparitions. Phantoms. Binky. Whatever we call them, there is only one thing of which we can be certain: they probably won’t answer.