I have an eye for weird things. I once almost bought an inflatable chair shaped like Queen Amidala, but rethought it at the last minute because I realized I didn’t actually want that in my room. In retrospect, though, it really wasn’t all that crazy a product, because most guys would probably love to sit on Natalie Portman’s lap. But this thing was marked down to $3, suffering the results of being shelved in neither the post-Episode-I or the pre-Episode-II product craze. Poor, lonely inflatable Queen Amidala chair. You know, I think on some level, we can all relate.

And on with the crazy products. Some of these were posted on the old quoteslog for the heck of it, but hey, you haven’t read the old quoteslog.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: “‘Frookie’? What the hell kind of name is ‘Frookie’?” But that’s not what I’m talking about. THIS is what I’m talking about. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, yet another impingement on our basic civil rights. This company actually has the gall to tell us what we can and cannot put on our Frookie cones. What if I don’t like ice cream or yogurt? What if I want to eat sherbet off of my cone? What if I prefer a big scoop of chopped liver? Do you mean to tell me, Mr. R.W. Frookie, that these cones are not calibrated for non-ice-cream-or-yogurt materials? Will they crumble or explode? No? That’s what I thought.

This clock has been sitting in my dining room for about twenty years, and when it worked, the eyes would flick back and forth with the seconds. Kind of like a cheaper version of that black and white cat clock that is coveted nowadays as a truly kitsch item. Anyway, as you could probably tell from the “when it worked”, it no longer does. About ten years ago it stopped functioning, and when my father opened up the battery case he found that the batteries (and the battery case) were covered in disgusting white foamy acid. He scraped most of it off and replaced the batteries, but it just wouldn’t work. So he hung it back on the wall.
Still, there are moments once in a long while when I’ll hear ticking and when I look up, the clock is working again, the eyes flicking back and forth as though surveying the room to see what’s changed since it was last awake. Come to think of it, I don’t even know if there even are batteries in it at this point, but if there aren’t, it doesn’t surprise me in the least.

I’m sure all of you saw Disney’s smash hit motion picture “Dinosaur”, and I’m sure at least 97% of you walked out of the theater thinking, “Wow, that sure would inspire a great themed water bottle!” Well, fret not, because at long last such a product is on the market! You’ll be the envy of everyone at the gym when you show up with this “groovy guzzler”. This truly is a quality item, featuring detailed, hand-painted terrain, including moutains, bodies of water, grass, and, yes, even a volcano! But wait, that’s not even the half of it! While you jog on the treadmill, you can amuse yourself by playing with the two little plastic dinosaurs that can move all around via the deep grooves in the plasic water-bottle-earth’s surface! You’ll think you fell into an eddy in the space-time continuum and got transported back to the Jurassic era!

Oh man, where do I start with this one? I was poking around Zany Brainy, a store that usually carries pretty upscale, neat toys, when I came across this crime against humanity. What it is, essentially, is a box of rocks. It’s about 10″ x 10″ x 7″, and it’s just filled with chunks of granite. It claims to “[Introduce] Geology & Physics”. I suppose you learn a lot about granite, which is Geology, and you learn about Physics by realizing that those four rocks alone composing the tall tower on the front could not all fit in this box. The first side of the box boasts that you can “Search for the Points of Balance” (with the included magnifying glass) and “learn some amazing things about doing the impossible” (I won’t even touch that). “Stacking is One Thing,” the box proclaims, “but Balancing is a Whole New World!” Indeed. The other side of the box only makes matters worse, showing an actual adult “playing” the “game” and warning us that the game is intended only for ages eight and up. Because younger kids might try to eat the rocks.

I searched and searched online for this game but was unable to find it. There were two left at the store. I am only thankful that the price tag was torn off of both of them, because I was far too ashamed to ask how much it cost, and if it had been less than twenty dollars I would have bought it and then had to lug all fifteen pounds of it home.

Well, that’s all for today. In the next installment: Cher’s Do-It-Yourself Botox Kit!