The following is the text that appears in an eBay auction for my latest duct tape creation, the Anti-Terrorism Duct Tape Bag. Yes, I am fully aware that spending this much time writing an eBay auction means I am a loser, but it’s not like that’s something we didn’t know already.

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Let’s face it: you’re a busy person with things to do. Or, at least, you’re surrounded by busy people with things to do, while you just kick back and drink a can of PBR. And can I, for a moment, assume that, were there a hazardous chemical attack, you would prefer not to die a slow, asphyxiated death peppered with auditory and tactile hallucinations? Well, maybe that hallucination part would be cool, but the rest sounds kind of lame.

Where was I? Ah, yes. You’re a busy person, or a lazy hipster. You anxiously check the White House Homeland Security homepage every morning along with the weather forecast, just in case (”It’s going to be partly cloudy today with an elevated chance of terrorist attacks!”). But — until now — there was nothing you could do to help. (Note that I said “until now,” which implies that NOW, there IS something you can do to help! That’s a clever literary device that we writers call “foreshadowing.”)

The Federal Emergency Management Agency’s guide, “Are You Ready? A Guide to Citizen Preparedness” (http://www.fema.gov/areyouready), which you have no doubt already perused at length, dog-earing the juicy bits, states that it is important to put together an emergency kit that you can use in the event of a “hazardous materials incident.” One of the staples of this kit? Duct tape.

They suggest using the duct tape to seal the cracks in your shelter, but nowhere do they explicitly state that it cannot ALSO be used as a fashion accessory, as it is in this great Anti-Terrorism Duct Tape Bag. That’s right, this bag is made entirely out of duct tape, save a plastic window in the front into which you can insert one of the five included cards stating the current terror alert level! (”Plastic sheeting” is another item recommended in case of an attack; coincidence? I think not.) Alternatively, you can insert whichever card matches your outfit for the day, or whichever one most accurately predicts the odds that you will have an emotional breakdown. And, since the window is 4×6, you could also display your very own photographs, such as the one of your cat wearing sunglasses! (Note: cat wearing sunglasses is not included with the bag.)

The bag measures 10″ x 12″ x 3.5″, which is a precise fit for your hipster Five Star notebooks. Or you can store other items for the emergency kit, such as: scissors; a towel; modeling clay or other materials to stuff into cracks and/or use to create a small-scale replica of Michaelangelo’s David; latex gloves and petroleum jelly (if you stop performing your duties as a proctologist, that means the terrorists have won); or a “cleansing agent” such as isopropyl alcohol or hydrogen peroxide. Oh, and a can of PBR.

So do your civic duty. Let everyone know what the current terror alert level is (http://www.whitehouse.gov/homeland). And then offer to check them for colon polyps.