A Note to Readers: the deadline for columnists is noon on the day before the column runs. Because of this, although you are reading this column the day after Election Day, it was written long before the polls closed. Due to the extremely uncertain nature of this presidential race, I have taken special measures in order to be able to comment on the outcome. I have provided several options for each relevant detail; simply select the most appropriate one.

Yesterday, Election Day, American voters were finally given a chance to have their voices heard, and (heard / confused) they were, handing a decisive victory to (George W. Bush / John F. Kerry / who the hell knows). After staying up until the wee hours of the morning watching (PBS / NBC / CBS) to follow the results, all I can say is (”Wow, what an election!” / “That sure was exciting!” / “Somebody please punch Dan Rather in the face.”)

The outcome of the election has disappointed many. In the months leading up to the face-off, it was impossible to turn on the television without hearing people rail against, in their own words, (a simplistic idiot / an elitist flip-flopper / Ralph Nader). Though much was made of (Bush’s questionable National Guard service / Kerry’s questionable Vietnam record / John Edwards’ boyish good looks), when it came time to actually (pull the lever / poke the chad / get turned away at the polls) the deciding factor in the election was (who would protect our country from terrorists / who would make other countries not hate us anymore / Ralph Nader).

There had been a palpable fear that this election would be like the one in 2000, and we can now say with certainty that those fears were (completely unfounded / dead-on balls accurate). I’ll admit, I was a bit anxious until the results for (Florida / Florida / Iowa — no, just kidding, Florida) came in, but once the newscasters reported that it had turned to (Kerry / Bush / rioting in the streets), I (breathed a sigh of relief / heaved a sigh of resignation / removed my own eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon). Thank you, (Florida voters / term limits / doctors who cauterized my arteries before I bled to death)!

Prior to the election, concerns had been raised about the electronic voting machines that many districts decided to employ. But we know what to expect in years to come, now that millions of votes have been successfully (counted with precision / counted with efficiency / given to Pat Buchanan). You’ve got to (hand it to / boycott) Diebold; they sure know (what they’re doing / how to blithely undermine the electoral process).

In just a few short months, the winner of this election will (begin to restore alliances with other countries / continue to rally support for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage / be determined by the Supreme Court). His job as president will not be easy; at every step, he will be opposed by (pro-life activists / environmental lobbyists / a majority of Americans, judging by the popular vote). But he has the opportunity to unite a country that is more divided than ever, if he can only reach across the aisle and (support our troops / support our children / … no, we’re pretty much screwed).

It has been a controversial election, indeed, but one thing is for certain: (the American public / the Supreme Court / Ralph Nader) has spoken, and we are making our way inexorably toward (four more years / a brand new era / sheer, unadulterated hell).