I’ve been derelict in my columnal duties. Everyone reaches that point in the semester where they verge on breakdown, but a columnist’s self-destruction is more public than most. I’ve spent the past three months immersed in research on douches and feminine deodorant sprays (I know this sounds like the set-up to a joke, but I swear it isn’t), which means I could regale you with tales of the paradigmatic shift that occurs in feminine hygiene advertisements between 1965 and 1975, but I think it would be best (for both of us) if I refrained from doing so. So, in lieu of a coherent narrative structure and sweeping cultural commentary, I present you with a roundup of ideas that never made it past a brief scribble in my Moleskine notebook. For some of the ideas it will become immediately obvious why they remained on the cutting room floor; others may yet turn up in future columns.

Unanswered Questions

* Is the relationship between chocolate and deliciousness a linear one — that is, does something get better every time you add more chocolate to it, or is the function asymptotic to some ultimate, unattainable sublime deliciousness? Is it logarithmic? Parabolic? This is a weighty issue.
* Which is worse: Sunday or Monday? Obviously Sunday has the advantage because it’s the weekend, but at least at the end of the day on Monday, Monday is almost over.
* What is the least sexy food to eat? Not because of what it’s actually made out of, but because of how it has to be eaten. I say corn on the cob.
* Why is New York the only state that has implemented the “I [heart] __” t-shirt format? It’s not like it’s a state-specific sentiment. “I [heart] WY” makes just as much sense.

Random Facts I Have Learned in the Past Month

* According to Professor Michael Lynn, Hotel Administration, when a waitress draws a smiley-face on her check it increases her tips by 18 percent, but a waiter who does the same thing decreases his tips by nine percent.
* Lysol was originally used as a douche. Seriously.

Random Thoughts and Observations That Cannot, Through Any Machinations, Be Stretched Into an 850-Word Column

* “Iambic pentameter” is, itself, not in iambic pentameter. This makes it very difficult to write a meta-sonnet.
* I love grocery shopping. Going to the supermarket is for me the culinary equivalent of pornography; I linger in the aisles, looking at each product, imagining how I would cook it and what it would be like to eat it. If I had a food column, I’d totally call it “The Digestive Tract.”
* If you’re in a relationship on Facebook, you are provided with the option “Cancel Relationship.” That is the most succinct, poignant example of the Internet’s impact on social interaction.
* Sometimes, when I can’t fall asleep at night, I like to waste time thinking up titles for pornographic spin-offs of Disney movies. The Loin King? Beauty and her Breasts? Poke-Her-Hontas?
* As a small child, I had a toy called a “Talk ‘n Play.” It consisted of a tape player with four colored buttons and a platform for a book to sit on; you would put a special tape in, open up the corresponding book and then press the appropriately colored button when prompted for an interactive experience with your favorite Sesame Street and Disney characters. My favorite book was Don’t Press the Red Button, which featured Grover insisting, for no good reason, that you shouldn’t press the red button. Of course, like any three-year-old, my immediate reaction was to press the red button, whereupon Grover would become apoplectic with rage. I’m not sure indignant rebelliousness is the sort of value we really want to be instilling in our children, but damn, that was a good book.

Horrible/Noteworthy Websites

* “Today’s Worst Weather” at Accuweather.com. Every day, Accuweather posts a new image that’s supposed to be a “visual pun” on a location currently experiencing inclement weather. In reality, the picture is just a poorly-drawn literal interpretation of the place name, with an overlay of sleet. Damaging thunderstorms in Black Rock, Alabama? Look, it’s a bunch of black rocks, in the midst of a damaging thunderstorm! This website will make you lose what little faith you have in humanity.
* Ben’s Guide to the U.S. Government For Kids (link). A cartoon of Benjamin Franklin teaches kids about the American government, providing plenty of wacky facts and dumbed-down definitions. Color your own American flag, do a Word Search of Freedom or learn Ben’s ABCs, in which each letter stands for another aspect of the U.S. Government. (Because I know you’re wondering, X stands for the Roman numeral X. And C is for “cigar.”)
* Go to Google image search (link). Search for “ate a snail.” Click on the first result. You will not be disappointed.

A Request for Audience Participation

What is the single most important piece of information in your major? That is, if you had one sentence to summarize everything you have learned, what would it be? For example, my motto for Human Development would be “Nature and nurture interact to make us who we are.” E-mail me yours along with your name and year — at some point, I’ll publish the good ones in a column. Optimally I’d get one for every major, so if you know someone majoring in something bizarre like bird husbandry, tell him to send one in too! (A motto, not a bird husband.)