I have connections. I don’t mean connections of the ligament-and-tendon variety, although I do have those as well (if I didn’t, that headshot up there would be assuredly different) — I refer of course to the connections that us Ivy League students are privy to, the kind that coalesce out of glances and furtive handshakes in the smoky back-rooms of bars.

More specifically, I have connections to the Ithaca Bureau of Investigations, a little-known but powerful organization located in the secret passageways below the clock museum. The IBI is primarily concerned with the monitoring of alien life, which, as you may have surmised, is particularly active in Ithaca. Through a series of improbable events that I won’t bother to recount (it involves three bowling balls, a two-dollar bottle of wine and a rather embarrassed emu), I became the official IBI-Daily Sun liaison, serving to control The Sun’s alien-related content (“What alien-related content?” you wonder — my point exactly) in exchange for privileged information.

Recently, I came across one such privileged document so shocking and so important that I felt I must share it with you. It seems that Cornell has been infiltrated by alien anthropologists, funded by a generous grant from the Intergalactic Science Foundation, who have posed as undergraduates in order to write an ethnography of the human race, no doubt to insidious ends. I have a copy of the translated notes for the ethnography, and I will reprint them in full in the following space so that you can be prepared for whatever may come of them. Although I realize that making this document public puts my reputation, my position at The Sun, and indeed my life itself at risk, I am willing to make that sacrifice to become the Daniel Ellsberg of our generation. A noble act? Certainly, but I would expect no less of a journalist such as myself.
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